As I draw nearer to the day signifying seven months without nutrition,
It is no doubt a miracle.
Though my physical body is getting more and more fragile.
I compensated with extra rest at first.
Yet with each pressing hour,
I find myself wandering beyond my bedroom walls
Into the wilderness.
Although lifting a finger or my head seems impossible,
I can’t ignore the rattling to not settle in.
Instead, I am compelled to dig deep
And find a way to give voice
To this space far greater than me.
It is uncomfortable and ugly, nor guaranteed an ending.
Still, there is much to gain in this sacred space of suffering.
In the darkness.
In the emptiness.
Like Jesus and Job,
Jacob and countless others experience.
Some call it “The Dark Night of the Soul”.
The awareness of my body and surroundings are cloudy.
Still, loneliness is shouting.
Others and even God are surrounding, though seem so distant.
A lostness I just can’t grasp.
My knowledge knows He cares
But the warmth of His presence just isn’t there.
Yet I am not scared.
Almost like a blank canvas.
Although any color or sparkle of music and light seem to overwhelm my senses.
Instead of soothing, it seems someone is beating and thrashing.
Pain rages wildly.
Though I am trapped.
All I can do is inhale,
The weight of each breath
Is more than enough to bear.
Depression attempts to set up camp,
Draining all hope,
And magnifying the unknown.
Still no tears will flow.
It is out of my control.
Only He knows the beginning and end.
So I close my eyes and heart.
Putting aside all the striving and justifying.
No longer wrestling with the warrior I want to be
or the urge to understand.
That won’t get me anywhere.
For here in the pit,
It’s far greater
To simply be.
He knows my heart.
So I shall rest.
If you or a loved one find yourself in this place or you can relate in any way, please know you are not alone. It is in these depths we are most blessed by the prayers and praise, encouragement and love in practical ways by our brothers and sisters being the hands and feet of Christ. So please reach out so I/we can help bear the burden you are carrying today. My email is firstname.lastname@example.org or you can find me on Social Media. Praying for you always.
“Be still, and know that I am God!” Psalm 46:10
“And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God’s own will. ” Romans 8:26-27
“Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.” Psalm 139: 7-10