Messy Grief

Each letter drips with emotion

As the fog fills my brain and body, 

No. No. It can’t be. It can’t be. 

Knees curled to my chest, I rock back and forth,

my head in my hands. 

Alone. 

Why? Lord I don’t understand.

Why her? Why him?

~~~

Standing by the graveside

As a loved one is laid to rest,

So young with the most vibrant of minds,

Still another advanced in years

Children, Grandchildren and even Great-Grandchildren gather round,

Reflecting on the beautiful legacy.

If only there was a way to know 

The ending of their story

To somehow prepare, 

Or at least say 

“See you later” till the day

Of reuniting in Heaven. 

Clinging to the smell of his cologne,

Or Christmas cookies baking in the kitchen. 

Replaying all the memories, 

Like a tape on repeat in my brain.

Smiles and laughter, now masked by pain.

Yet because of their life,

I will never be the same. 

~~~

Sitting across from the counselor,

No words will come, only tears 

Upon awakening from the numbing. 

Unbearable pain from all the damage and games. 

A Life I never knew

Finally uncovered. 

Innocence, joy, trust, forever stolen

Instead returned as though a transaction for betrayal and blame. 

Haunted by fear and shame,

Passed through the generations.

Fighting for mere survival. 

A childhood washed away 

~~~

Over and over, I ponder

Which is harder?

Having memories of which to cling, 

A gravestone in the cemetery,

Or wondering of all the things that never would be. 

All that was missing. 

And how that could have changed me.

Even still, 

Grief is messy.