Each letter drips with emotion
As the fog fills my brain and body,
No. No. It can’t be. It can’t be.
Knees curled to my chest, I rock back and forth,
my head in my hands.
Why? Lord I don’t understand.
Why her? Why him?
Standing by the graveside
As a loved one is laid to rest,
So young with the most vibrant of minds,
Still another advanced in years
Children, Grandchildren and even Great-Grandchildren gather round,
Reflecting on the beautiful legacy.
If only there was a way to know
The ending of their story
To somehow prepare,
Or at least say
“See you later” till the day
Of reuniting in Heaven.
Clinging to the smell of his cologne,
Or Christmas cookies baking in the kitchen.
Replaying all the memories,
Like a tape on repeat in my brain.
Smiles and laughter, now masked by pain.
Yet because of their life,
I will never be the same.
Sitting across from the counselor,
No words will come, only tears
Upon awakening from the numbing.
Unbearable pain from all the damage and games.
A Life I never knew
Innocence, joy, trust, forever stolen
Instead returned as though a transaction for betrayal and blame.
Haunted by fear and shame,
Passed through the generations.
Fighting for mere survival.
A childhood washed away
Over and over, I ponder
Which is harder?
Having memories of which to cling,
A gravestone in the cemetery,
Or wondering of all the things that never would be.
All that was missing.
And how that could have changed me.
Grief is messy.
One thought on “Messy Grief”