“Dear Mom and Dad, I want you to know I love you and I am sorry I had to go, but I just couldn’t take this world anymore…”
Writing letters to my family as I layed in the floor of my bedroom closet became a regular thing as I continued spiraling my junior and senior years of high school. All I do is mess up. The world would be better off if I were dead. There is no reason to live… And as mere thought turned into action, I began actively seeking out supplies to increase my options and map out plans…
One night in particular, I determined I was done. Twisting the cap to the bottle of pain medication from my knee surgery off and on counting the pills again and again, my face pressed to the carpet. Numb to the world, no tears seemed to fall, though for whatever the reason I jostled hearing the buzzing of my phone before putting them in my mouth. Looking at the screen to find the name of a lady from church, I smiled as I read the simple but sweet message checking in on me, putting my plan on halt. And as instances such as these occurred even throughout the next few years, it seemed time and time again just as I was moments away from making a life ending decision that someone walked in, texted, or my supply went missing. Finally after at least the seventh try, I wondered, Maybe I am not alone… Maybe you really do see me, God… But why do you keep stopping me?
In stories throughout the Bible like that of Simon Peter, Mary Magdalene and Hagar, we see how God shows himself time and time again, not only in a corporate setting, but to each in a personal way reminding them that he sees them. In Genesis 16, we see the birth of the Hebrew name of God, El Roi, for Hagar says in verse thirteen, “You are the God who sees me,” she said, “I have now seen the One who sees me.”
Notice that she doesn’t say “You are the God who sees all of us or them.” She uses the personal pronoun “me”. “You are the God who sees me”. Likewise, even in the darkest of valleys, God has and continues to show himself to me, helping me realize my life is not an accident. Whether providing a bed when I had nowhere to sleep, a friend to call when I was lonely, a word from him to cling to as I faced a difficult situation, or a song on the radio, the list could truly go on. For as his truths began taking root deeper and deeper in my being, I realized that not only does he see me, but he loves me and has incredible plans for me. And while I didn’t believe them at first, the more I soaked in his word and got my eyes off of myself and onto this broken world, I saw him and his love like never before.
And I promise dear friend, especially if you start looking, you will see his “fingerprints” too. No matter what circumstance you may find yourself in, whether single or divorced, sick or well, jobless or have a three figure job, 13 or 83, married or without a family, live in a three story or on the streets, wear the top brands or what you can find in Goodwill bins… YOU ARE NOT ALONE! GOD SEES YOU!
*As I was writing this post, this song happened to come across YouTube. Such a powerful picture of this truth I described so I definitely recommend you take a listen.
~“The God Who Sees” by Nicole C. Mullen and Kathie Lee Gifford~